The List.

Whew…
This week’s been a little rough to say the least. With the clock ticking closer and closer to the Outreach to Ecuador I wondered how much I’d really get out of the last 12 or so classroom lectures, but I never thought I’d be convicted to do what I did. After listening to the classroom lecture about the important of giving God dominion in the area of our romantic relationships I knew I had to take advantage of the speaker’s optional invitation to meet one-on-one. The fact is that while I was living in Santa Cruz God had given me many gifts and blessing and I was using them well to a certain extent. I always worked in jobs that were helping people and I was using my gifts in my church volunteering in the children’s ministries. However, while that looks great on paper, I was still totally un-submitted in one area of my life and that was my relationships with the opposite sex. By the world’s standards I was admirerable and that was good enough for me. I was so good at justifying the boundaries that I had and so used to abusing the grace of Jesus that it really took coming to Chile and getting honest with God to understand that this area of my life was holding back so much of the potential for how God wants to use me. I needed to start fresh, and after praying for conviction from God I found myself wide awake at three in the morning after a very long day. It had been suggested that I make a list of every girl I ever crossed sexual boundaries with and write every one I could a personal letter of apology, and so at 3:30AM convinced that now was the time that God wanted me to write the list I got out of bed, put the kettle on, and started writing.

It took just over a week to write to everyone and it was a difficult thing for me to do; I was worried many people on the list wouldn’t be sorry about the relationship we’d had and so if they received an apology how was it going to make them feel? At the end of the day though it doesn’t matter how they feel because it’s not an earthly battle I’m fighting. 2nd Corinthians 10:4-5 says:

”For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ”

I read this chapter and Psalm 51 every morning while I wrote these letters and if you’ve ever found yourself convicted in this area I can’t recommend Psalm 51 more. The devil’s had his claws in me in this arena for a long time but I’m forgiven and I’ve apologized to everyone and the ties in the spiritual world that were preventing me from my potential in Christ are broken. The “fear of the Lord” is characterized by “hating sin and after writing these apologizes I also found that I hated the sin of crossing sexual boundaries a lot more than I had used to. It was humbling to write people I hadn’t talked to in years and I never want to do it again. Many of the responses I got back were encouraging, in the vain of “I’m sorry too, thanks for writing this so we can both be free of it”; some were more neutral, in the vain of “I didn’t think what we did was anything to be ashamed of and I still don’t” and some were pretty brutal. This person will remain anonymous but here’s an excerpt from their response:

“If you had considered me as a person with my well being in mind you would have known that I’ve already let those things pass as water under the bridge, and that I will always hold my self accountable for my actions as well. Even through our years of distant contact after we stopped dating I’ve noted you as a person who "stumbles" amends with the higher powers for a short time, criticizes others for the mistakes you yourself have made, and then turns around and does them again. I don't respect you Josh. I do not accept your apology. I wish you well, but let’s put this on ice.

The worst part is that’s a completely fair thing for her to say, I have been a hypocrite in this area and it stops here. I prayed for conviction and I got it! Everything positive I might do in my Christian walk becomes near worthless if I’m going to be a hypocrite in one area. I’ve had a victory on this DTS so far; I’ve seen God use me in ways He never has before and bless me left in right, and I can’t justify that sin anymore with the truth I have now. I got a chance to chat up some for the student’s of the counseling school when they returned from their outreach last weekend and something they said stuck with me. They told me that one of the reason they liked the counseling school is because you let so much truth about the Lord into your heart that you can’t enjoy sin anymore because it becomes so clear how it handicaps us. I’ve been handicapped long enough.

No pictures this week, I didn’t really have any free time.