Winners Never Quit

I strive to be myself and honest in this blog and, damn if I didn’t try hard this week.

I guess you could say it “paid off”. I mean, I’ve 100% on every exam we’ve been given on the material we’ve heard in our lectures, I’ve woken up on time every morning, and have gotten full credit for my Psalms book and Quiet Time journal assignments. I’ve gotten 100% on every memory verse quiz. We did five different dramas for an event we partnered with another group for and I was asked to be in every single one because I’ve shown that I stand out in this area. I spent all my free time responsibly finishing our book report book and have all the notes I need to complete the assignment tomorrow before it’s due. I hear people telling me frequently that “You’re doing great, God’s speaking to you.” And even though I have a lot of theories why I’m NOT HEARING FROM GOD, the last few days have been the most discouraging ones since I’ve come here.

It’s getting bad for real, I’ve found myself wondering if I’m really a Christian or not or if any of this is real or maybe I’ve just imagined God telling me to come here. FML right? I think it has less to do with God and more to do with how poorly I seem to be adjusting to the culture shock. At home I remember living with Tony in the Beach Flats and working a 45 hour work week, spending my free time casually with great friends, going to church and bible study, and making music with Asher every Tuesday. I might have been busy but I felt proud of myself, I felt like a good Christian (maybe not a great Christian but at least a decent one) and I had alone time when I needed it. I was unchallenged, productive, and happy; whole months would fly by and I’d hardly notice. I’d learn little things but maybe not very many big things every month (I don’t really know what that last sentence means but it might make more sense when you read what’s next).

I feel like I’m learning things non-stop over here. I’m learning how to live in a new house/town/country/continent. I’m learning a new language at an agonizingly arduous pace. I’m learning how to maintain a very structured schedule full of homework, work details, mandatory outings, with little to no free time except of Sundays. I’m learning about God in daily seminary classes on topics that have recently left me feeling weak, small, ashamed, and genuinely bad about myself. My head’s spinning and I need to rest, I need encouragement, I need to hear something from God. I don’t know where my motivation to continue is coming from, is it coming from God or my own stubbornness? I’m giving this everything I’ve got and I’m feeling myself start to crack.

I had to give my testimony on the spot yesterday with an interpreter to a swim team and I should have insisted that I shouldn’t, but I’m trying to “go-for-it” remember? I can just imagine what the leaders were thinking, “Josh has been a star student of the DTS so far let’s have him give his testimony”. I crashed and burned, I was pissed that our 2 hour scheduled outreach to Punta De Lobos Beach had gone 3 hours over schedule thanks to us waiting for the swim team to finish their surf session. I was up to midnight the night before doing this tandem ministry thing on the streets of downtown Pichilemu, doing dramas and dances. I desperately wanted to be back at my house eating the farmer’s market food I had bought after the exam that morning. I was hungry (uh oh), tired, and upset with the $^&%$ leaders that arranged this on the weekend. I don’t remember what I said but I do remember that no one clapped for me, another leader quickly jumped in when I was done to include something else and that another member of our team volunteered to give her testimony (I think she was trying to be nice and help me save face).

I wish my biggest problem was constipation at this point. Now I need clarity. I need some time for reflection. I need to know if I’ve been hearing God’s voice or if I’m just making up what I want to hear. It didn’t matter as much when I was in Santa Cruz because I could still be comfortable if I wasn’t “hearing” from God. Well now I don’t need to get a good nugget from God once in a while I NEED to hear His voice on the daily. I’m not going to last over here without it and I feel like I’m doing everything I can. Someone once told me it was easier for me to be a Christian because I’ve never had to go through anything that difficult in my life and they were right. My parents are both alive and well and still married, I’ve never had any serious health problems, and I’ve never been all alone. Even though it stands in contrast to what I’ve been learning, it’s harder to believe in God when you have to depend on Him because when He doesn't answer you in those times it REALLY matters. “A broken heart and a contrite spirit He has yet to deny” right? Well I know that we need to wait on God to speak but I don’t want to wait when the stress I’m under is giving me heart burn, keeping me up at night like it used to when ex-girlfriend would try to commit suicide.

Hopefully these pictures will paint a bit more optimistic picture of the last week.

Still going for my hike every morning to have my quiet time.

Although now my “friend” has begun inviting his pals for the free walk.

Breakfast/Dinner, It definitely could be worse.

This is my one-on-one pastor Estabon. This week I spent about 2 and half hours just talking to him about stuff that was on my mind about the DTS, the lectures, what I’m learning and struggling with. I barely gave him a chance to talk. I’ve always thought better with someone listening and it’s been challenging no being able to dialog with anyone here because none of the guys first language is English.

Okay, this part’s pretty cool though: during our one-on-one Estabon told me that this DTS was harder for him than he expected to because it was more expensive than he thought it would be. He’s from Argentina and it’s the 5th DTS he’s done and usually for the leaders it’s 100 dollars but when he got here he discovered that it would actually cost him 200 dollars. To remedy this he elected to skip breakfast and dinner. Well I “felt” like God was telling me the next day that when someone provided the money for me to eat the food that I could digest successfully, He wasn’t just providing for me but for Estabon as well. We talked it over with our directors and they said it would be fine for him to eat the meals that I wasn’t eating anyways and I could still have the tea and hot water. A pretty cool story of provision especially since (I found out later) it went through on his 25th birthday.

This is Tiestda (I’m sure I’m spelling that wrong) and she’s from Brazil. This girl and I always get teamed up together for our work duties and she been so nice to me. I like how she really tries to have substantial conversations with me despite the language barrier, instead of just saying hi and asking how I’m doing, she’s really helping me develop the language.

Thanks in part to Tiestda, I definitely have improved me shopping Spanish. I'm much more confident at the farmer's market than I was the first week and I think I'm been getting better deals because I'm shopping solo now. I got all this food for 5000 pesos, roughly ten bucks.

A lot of people showed up for the dramas we did Friday night

The three of us walked around Punta De Lobos yesterday talking to people and handing out tracks and info on the DTS base’s swimming pool resource. Belen (the girl in the middle from Santiago Chile) was talking to a couple of middle aged guys drinking beers on the beach when they started pointing at me and talking enthusiastically. Apparently they’d seen the dramas I’d done the night before in downtown Pichilemu and thought I looked like I was “from Hollywood”. Great.

Free time is in short supply but I did have a chance to talk to my friend who lives on the base Nate Anderson. I need more than an hour a week with this guy!